


so big and beautiful and unknowable

by zweebie



Series: gomensficweek2019 ficlets [1]
Category: Good Omens (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Humans, Alternate Universe - Teachers, Angst, But only a tiny bit, Declarations Of Love, Fluff, Heavy Angst, M/M, Sad Ending, Teacher AU, crowley and aziraphale can't communicate, don't come for fluff kiddos it's angstyyy, gomensficweek2019, hey uhh @ me what the fuck is this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-03
Updated: 2019-09-03
Packaged: 2020-10-06 10:27:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,098
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20505455
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/zweebie/pseuds/zweebie
Summary: Aziraphale is leaving the school he and Crowley have taught at together for years.Crowley decides this would be a good time for a confession.





	so big and beautiful and unknowable

Aziraphale stacks his books into a neat pile, a little sigh escaping him. It can’t have been more than an hour since students were dismissed for the day, but the school is already cold and empty, the echoing yells of students long faded. Aziraphale’s classroom is stripped to its bones, and it hurts his heart to look around. Even his bookshelves—once filled with all manner of classics—are mere wooden skeletons now.

His gaze falls on the astronomy textbook, lying open on his desk. He’d better put it away—if Crowley found out he’d been reading it, he’d never let Aziraphale hear the end of it. Aziraphale hadn’t ever had the patience for astronomy—there’s so much going on on Earth, who could ever want to study the stars? 

Aziraphale asked Crowley, once, why he enjoyed it so much. “Dunno, really,” he’d replied. “Just. It’s such a vast universe out there—so big and beautiful and unknowable. I’d think understanding it would be nice.” 

“They say the archangel Raphael created the stars,” Aziraphale says.

“Religious, are you?” 

“Sometimes I’m not sure.” 

Crowley gives him this quiet smile at that. Aziraphale smiles back, flittingly, quickly, and then goes back to grading papers. 

Crowley gave him the textbook just a couple days later—left it in his classroom with a post-it note on the top saying  _ from, the Archangel Raphael.  _ Aziraphale didn’t say anything about it to Crowley, just put it up on his shelf. And read it, occasionally, though not because he enjoyed it. He definitely didn’t enjoy it.

Even if Aziraphale doesn’t understand Crowley’s desire to study the stars, he does understand the need to, well,  _ understand.  _ Especially as he watched the red-headed, kind-hearted, guarded man in front of him. He wants to understand. 

He never will, now, he supposes.

Aziraphale places the books into his shoulder bag; the rest of the contents of the classroom sit in cardboard boxes around the room. At the last second, he remembers to turn off the little lamp on his desk. It’s an open book, of all things, standing up, with translucent pages slightly muffling the light inside.

His first day. Crowley had introduced himself during orientation, sidled up beside him as he watched the procedures from the sidelines.

“Really is a warzone in here, innit?” Crowley had asked.

“What do you mean?” Aziraphale had replied, a little surprised at being approached so soon.

“The parents, the children, the teachers desperately trying to impress. This isn’t the part of the job I signed up for.”

“Me neither, I suppose. Classes will start soon.”

“Three days,” Crowley says. Then, “Interesting name,  _ Aziraphale.  _ Very angelic.”

“It was almost worse.” Aziraphale smiles. “My parents wanted to name me Aziraphael, if you can believe it. I suppose I should be thankful they went with Aziraphale instead.”

Crowley laughs. “Aziraphael, really?” 

Aziraphale had beamed back.

There’d been a blackout, later that night. Only the teachers were left at school, staying back late to finish preparing for the first day, and there had been chaos. Eventually, they’d gathered in the cafeteria with candles. Crowley had needed to go back to his classroom to get his supplies, and Aziraphale had lent him a torch.

On the second day, Crowley showed up with the little lamp. “To return the favor, angel,” he’d said with a grin. 

“Oh, thank you. Thank you,” Aziraphale had stammered, oddly self-conscious. 

Aziraphale picks up his shoulder bag and takes one last look at the classroom. It was a strange five years of his life, living here. A strange back-and-forth between  _ maybe?  _ and  _ probably not  _ and  _ don’t deceive yourself  _ and  _ let me hope.  _ The truth, though—the real truth, after all—was that there wasn’t anything waiting for him at the end of this. There couldn’t possibly be. He’d given so many chances—too many chances to count—and Crowley had done nothing. Aziraphale can’t work with distraction like this.

Crowley catches up with him as he walks down the hall. “Aziraphale,” he cries, breathless.

“Yes, Crowley?” Aziraphale is all business, trying his best to cover up the tremor in his voice. 

“Angel, yes, hi, hello.” 

“Yes?” Aziraphale repeats.

“Could you,” he takes a breath,”stop walking? Please.”

Aziraphale spins. ‘What is going on? I do have a train to catch, and I’d hate to miss it.” His voice is harsher than usual, and he’s not entirely sure where it’s coming from. Suddenly all of the frustration of the last few years is rushing out.

“Why didn’t you tell me? Before, I mean. Before you decided to leave.”

“What would it matter?” Aziraphale asks.

“I—” Crowley reaches out to put his hands on Aziraphale’s shoulders, but Aziraphale brushes him away, “I could have stopped you! I could have said no!”

“And why should I have listened?”

“I don’t know, angel, but—ngk—at least I could have said, alright?” Crowley’s voice is growing more desperate, more pained. “Would it have been alright if I had left? If I had gone off, without saying a thing?”

“I said something. I told you, for heaven’s sake!”

“Would it have been alright if I’d decided to leave without telling you, Aziraphale?”

Aziraphale  _ tsks,  _ turns, begins walking toward the double doors. “You wouldn’t have.”

“Why wouldn’t I have?” 

Aziraphale keeps walking, but Crowley grabs his hand. 

“Why wouldn’t I have, Aziraphale, tell me?” he asks again, and his voice is ragged and raw.

Aziraphale rounds on him. “Why won’t you tell me yourself?”

Crowley freezes, hand still around Aziraphale’s wrist.

“I can’t wait for you any longer, Crowley, I won’t,” Aziraphale says, and his eyes are full of tears. 

“Aziraphale,” Crowley breathes. “Aziraphale, I told you, I did. I made it so, so clear, and you didn’t—you didn’t say it back, and I thought I was fooling myself, and—”

Aziraphale reaches forward, takes Crowley’s face in his hands, and kisses him once, tenderly, on the forehead, then on the mouth. 

“I showed you,” Crowley says quietly, and Aziraphale tries his absolute best not to cry. “You’re so smart. How can someone so smart be so stupid?”

“I couldn’t have stayed, anyway,” Aziraphale says. “The job offer in Tadfield—I couldn’t have turned it down, not for the world.”

“God, I just—all I had to do was say it?”

“I love you, Crowley,” Aziraphale says, because any other response would hurt too much. 

“I love you too, angel.” Crowley laughs. “Fuck.”

And Aziraphale adjusts the strap of his bag on his shoulder, taking a breath, and then, straightening his bow tie, he heads towards the main doors.

**Author's Note:**

> SPOILER ALERT CROWLEY FOLLOWS HIM TO TADFIELD AND THEY GET A COTTAGE TOGETHER AND LIVE HAPPILY EVER AFTER 
> 
> god i. i really don't know what this is. i sat down and started writing and this monstrosity came out and uhh why am i posting it?? who knows. but if you did like it, please leave kudos and/or a comment!!


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